Emotions Dump #4

 So I missed a post yesterday. Had a really bad headache and fell asleep without meditating or writing a blogpost. I still have to keep at this. I need to.

I was on leave today, yet I still felt obligated to work. And I did. I felt really angry about it, not that the fact that I worked, but the fact inside me I felt guilty for not doing so. It's just so...frustrating. I really gotta stop giving in to my conscience....

I don't think I'm cut out to be in the marketing department. I just saw that my HOD had asked 2 of my department staff to go drinking (I'm not sure if it was a farewell dinner for someone else or what, but it was a social event). I don't think I'm cut out for that kind of "social events" at all. Goddammit...I'm worried when it comes to my turn.

Anyway, I'd like to talk about ambition today. Is it so wrong to not have an ambition or be ambitious? I mean.. I don't have thoughts where I was like "Yeah, I'd like to climb the corporate ladder" or "Yeah, I'd like to be a director and have underlings etc.". To me, I've never really wanted to chase such stuff, even though I'd like to have a lot of money and buy a lot of things (but really, who doesn't?), I'll be also satisfied with a stable peaceful life. Doing something that can keep me afloat, cover my daily expenses, food, house, transport, medical & hobbies...is that so bad?

But on the other hand, career progression IS important. Sure. Natural career progression or when the opportunity comes by, I might consider it. But I won't actively seek it out, y'know? 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm like this. I'm just not motivated or ambitious. I wonder if there's some kind of trigger to this. I'll have to think more on it.

I mean, it's not like I want to NOT WORK at all (I wish). I know that everyone must work to earn money. Sure. But I feel so jaded about the whole system. No matter how much work you do, there's no end to it. If you give 100%, people will just expect more from you, and you'll constantly need to maintain that 100%. No thanks. I'd rather do the bare minimum required and not get noticed by management.

My financial situation? It doesn't look that good. It could be better. I'm 27, and I only have around RM10k in my savings. I'll definitely need to cut down on my spendings in the upcoming months. I hope to maintain at least RM20k-25k of savings, so in case yknow....I lose my job, I still have savings to tide me over. Hence I really gotta just....grit my teeth and grind out this job. Fuck. Maybe if I just save up enough, I won't have this much anxiety all the time about my work either.

I feel like breaking down thinking about all of this. I'm tired. Long day ahead tomorrow, hope it all goes smoothly.

I'm going to bed. Night.