Emotions Dump #1

11 October 2021

 I'll start this off with a paragraph to remind myself why I started blogging. Hopefully when I look back at this (without cringing), it'll help as both a reminder & motivator to actually keep me consistently posting blog posts here. The first few posts will probably just be a thoughts dump instead of being too structured though.

I'm keeping a blog for myself to externalize my troubling emotions, feelings, frustrations, anxiety so that I can feel better going about my daily life. Maybe one day it'll be more than just a daily journal (I'd like to post about my hobbies, writings etc., but there's millions of blogs like that out there, that's not really the main point). At the end of this, whenever it comes, hopefully I can look back at these posts and not feel anxious or depressed about my life.

I'll get right into it. I feel burnt out, depressed & anxious all the time. I'm 1 week into a new job, and I feel like shit... I really don't like "change" for better or worse, and I really value stability, mundane-ness, peacefulness. Change just gives me space to overthink and worry.

I mean...I know people are meant to feel scared & nervous when changing jobs. I just don't think I'm coping well with it at all because I'm constantly overthinking and worrying. I feel like I'm developing a phobia of having to work, to have a career.

What do I feel? I'll list it out.

1) My assigned task doesn't align with my expectations.

2) I'm scared shitless of not knowing everything immediately.

3) I'm terrified of making a mistake.

4) I'm worried that I'll get scolded/reprimanded or worse, fired if I make a mistake.

5) I'm worried I can't cope with the workload & expectations, and people will see me as a "fraud".

6) If I get fired, I won't have enough savings to carry me through a few months of joblessness.

7) If I get fired, I don't know if I'll be able to find a new job and the feeling of despair of a job search.

8) I feel like shit when I receive tasks/work.

9) I don't feel like I'm doing fulfilling work.

10) I'm not an ambitious person so I feel like I just don't really care about work. (I don't really have any goals in mind. I don't really want kids.

11) I feel like shit going back to an office after working from home for so long. 

12) I just feel like shit everyday. I feel burnt out, stressed, worried.

13) I just don't feel like working that hard.

14) I don't want to work on my weekends/off days, or after working hours (but I feel like I'm obligated to, or if I don't, I won't catch up on the workload during the weekdays/working hours.)

15) Having to work while growing old, till I'm 55-60...fucking sucks and depresses me so much. I hate and fear this concept.

16) I'm worried of being judged by my colleagues or superior.

17) I'm tired of keeping up a "facade" or "persona" of having to be friendly at work when sometimes I just want to be myself.

18) I'm scared of being micromanaged or told how to do my work, which would show that I'm incompetent.

19) I'm scared of failing or fucking up something.

20) I feel severe anxiety about growing older & not achieving anything in my life, but I don't feel the push of ambition as compared to my peers, colleagues or friends. I just want to live a stable, mundane, peaceful life with a job that can support my food, hobbies, daily essentials & rent (in the future).

21) I fear feeling useless.

Ahh...I think that's enough for a first post. This is hopefully a "comprehensive" emotional dump that might shrink or expand in the future, depends on how things goes. I'd like to find more time to elaborate more on the above and find out the root cause for each item (which I should definitely do so in future blogposts), maybe that'll help me find a solution, maybe not. I'd also like to start writing about the positives & negatives of my days as well, so I'd better start allocating more time to keep this journal/blog.

Till tomorrow, back to watching Vtubers & then meditation (I'm learning).