Emotions Dump #2

 Day 2 of blogging. Just had my first session of counselling since March 2021.

Not really sure how to start this post. I'm listening to Wings by SoYoon & Phum Viphurit while wondering if I'll really able to find my way from blogging. It's a nice song.

Work in office felt foreign. Felt messy even if it wasn't. Bunch of hiccups on communication with my colleague about scheduling a few meetings & inviting a few key people. Almost panicked due to that. Still need to get used to the tone of her messages and remind myself that it's just how she is, and not because she's frustrated due to my hiccups.

Fear is still on my mind. I've so far managed to dodge calls coming in from the phone, but I have this sick heavy feeling in my stomach that it'll change soon. I didn't feel like I have time to complete what I needed to do as I was occupied with other tasks, yet I don't think I should be working after hours. I feel like I'm obligated to, but I don't want to. I don't get paid to work after hours, but on the other hand, would it hurt to "just be prepared"...?

I wrote this blogpost halfway and started updating Jira. What the fuck. I really need to commit to this blog, brain. Please don't screw this up.

To recap on my counselling session, my counsellor said that I'm always in a fight or flight mode. My mind and body is always tensed up to anticipate "something bad", but it just doesn't know what is that "something bad", or when it's going to happen. I agree with her, and I feel like...I've partially been conditioned to think/act like that? Growing up, you know, when you fail or miss out on something, you'll get scolded or lectured, and since no one likes getting scolded, it kinda gets imprinted on you...yknow? The fear sticks with you. You're scared to miss something out, so you prepare for it...but what if it never happens? What if that "miss" never happens due to other circumstances?

On the other hand...what if the "miss" happens, but it's prevented or managed by your preparation & contingencies? Isn't that what we've been taught growing up? We prepare & study hard so that we don't "miss" in exams. We save up money so that we don't get caught by a "miss" in case it happens.

Thinking about it...I know that I can't totally "stop caring" about planning or preparing. It feels impossible. Yet its a fallacy and such a vicious cycle. I'm "preparing" because I'm overthinking & worried about something, but that "preparing" causes more stress for me because that something might never happen. But what if it really does happen? Is that really just human error, or something preventable if I just tried harder...?

I'm just ranting. If I reread this later on, it'll probably be really incoherent. I need to start considering structuring my posts lol.

Anyway...on the positive side...I was thinking about hobby stores or selling hobby products. Browsing through the Lego subreddit today made me happy. I also saw a post about 3D printing, and the guy printed some pretty neat stuff which made me think....I should really look into 3D printing. I dunno. I have these thoughts in my mind, that going into this direction of doing arts/crafts & doing things with my hands...it's kind of appealing? Yet I'm not confident if I can commit to it. I do enjoy seeing & fiddling with plastic models, art, Lego, miniature painting, and as long as I have these thoughts in my head....it's a good thing right? Something to look forward to. I should really invest some money to buy hobby products and resell them, just to see how it goes. 

My counsellor also asked to allocate 1 hour of everyday (till the next counselling session), to build a plastic model. I hope I can commit to it.

Sigh. I hope I have enough time to do the things I want to do.